Look, I know what you’re thinking: “So the nerdy blogger who can’t help but make Harry Potter references and spends too much time thinking about zombies is telling ME to give up fantasy?!” ?
I know how bizarre it seems for me of all people to suggest this considering I kinda believe deep down in my phoenix-feather core that the Wizarding World could be real and my dream life involves becoming a hobbit…
Fear not, friend. I’d never ask you to give up any of that type of fantasy! What I’m talking about are not-so-fantastic fantasies: the expectations rooted in fantasy about what everything should look like in your life. I’m talking about the fantasies that Adult Children of Alcoholics often create and cling to about what their families, relationships, careers homes, bodies, emotions, etc. are supposed to be like and then drive themselves crazy trying to create IRL.
First of all, let me be clear: in no way am I saying you shouldn’t have goals, standards, or a vision for your life. All of those things are valuable and necessary! What I am saying is this: fantasies that you create and try to live up to that are rooted in perfectionism and control often involve self-punishment when things don’t go your way and will leave you feeling like a flopping failure. At least, that’s how it always went for me! Fantastical expectations like those will suck the joy out of your life faster than an extra-agitated Dementor with a chip on its shoulder. *shudder*
Expectations rooted in perfectionism can look like:
- an intense, internal pressure to be flawless (possibly to live up to someone else’s standards of you)
- a powerful external focus on other people and how they perceive you
- desperately trying to never make a mistake or look foolish
- wanting to always having everything under control
- feeling the need to always know the right answer & the right thing to do
- an unhealthy drive to possess the best-looking home, car, body, collection of commemorative Hercules plates, etc. – and whatever else you think will make your life “good” and make you “worthy”
Spoiler Alert: You have always been worthy.
And, quick reminder, unless you are Lieutenant Commander Data on the Starship Enterprise, you are probably going to act like a human – mistakes, blunders, failures, foot-in-mouth moments, difficult emotions, and all. It’s what we do. It’s what Data desired to experience the most! And the big shocker? None of it takes away from that inherent worth you already have.
Now, expectations rooted in control are about getting other people to act and think how you want them to act and think. And when they don’t play the role you expect them to play? Red Alert! ? You might feel really sad and deflated. You might panic. You might get openly or passively angry. Personally, I think focusing on others’ behaviors and choices usually has a lot to do with fear. Fear because you feel like your life and choices are forever tied to (and possibly controlled by) these other people who are screwing it all up! That’s how I used to feel about my father, mother, and ex-husband…like I was along for the ride against my will and had no say in the matter.
Sometimes, all of that outwardly focus can be a distraction. It can keep you from having to really look at yourself – your behavior, pain, trauma, etc. Think about it: who has time to feel their feelings and grieve their losses when they’re trying to micro-manage the lives of several other people on top of their own? Not many people, that’s who! Focusing all of your energy and time on others is a slow death sentence. And, let’s be real – Adult Children of Alcoholics are notorious for doing all of this stuff! This is what people are talking about when they say alcoholism and addiction are family diseases. You don’t ever have to drink or use to be affected – you could simply grow up in the environment and still be sick. And thinking that you can grow up in this manner and get away without any issues? That’s the biggest fantasy of them all…
So what’s a nerd to do?
I have a few suggestions that might be helpful:
- Make a list of what you do and do not have control over
- Get vertiserum-level honest with yourself – allowing yourself to tell the truth about the financial situation you’re in, the abusive relationship that you’re in, the experiences from your past that you’ve been downplaying – whatever it is that you’ve been maybe lying to yourself about
- Talk kindly to yourself. Being patient. Working to interrupt the self-punishment patterns and feelings of guilt & fear
- Sort out what you can and cannot change on paper, with a sponsor or counselor, etc. Might I suggest taking a peek at the Serenity Prayer? It packs a powerful punch of wisdom that can be utilized when dealing with expectations!
The Serenity Prayer
God, grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
the courage to change the things I can,
and the wisdom to know the difference.
- Practicing acceptance of your realities. And give yourself time if you need it! You’re essentially Neo waking up from The Matrix. It’s not an easy task.
Living your life without the not-so-fantastic fantasies means that you strive for progress and not perfection. You accept what you do and do not have control over. You treat yourself with kindness and you give others the dignity to live life on their own terms – whether they’re doing it differently than you would like them to or not. Life without without the not-so-fantastic fantasies is about loving and learning, moving forward and failing, screwing it up and knowing it’s okay to try again. It is accepting people for who and where they are, experiencing relationships authentically, and being free to be yourself and enjoy your own precious life. You deserve this and more, my friend. And you have the power and strength to make it happen.
Thank you so much for being here! Let me know in the comments what kind of not-so-fantastic fantasies you’ve struggled with and how you’re doing with them. I’m rooting for you! ❤️