One of the many times my dad has overdosed happened a couple of years ago.
I was still living in an abusive marriage with my two kids. My dad was living a few towns away in a house owned by his mother and stepfather – which he had basically turned into a 24-hour drug house. At the time of this particular overdose, my dad had been pretty busy binging. I had been pretty busy dealing with the crap in my own home, and the two of us weren’t talking.
When the overdose happened, however, I heard about it immediately. You know how it goes. Bad news travels faster than germs in a daycare. I remember taking in the information in like I was being told my total in the grocery store checkout line…there was no emotion. Overdoses had happened several times before then. How many times can you honestly feel shocked before you just go numb? I think most Adult Children run out of shock pretty early on…
My dad didn’t die that day. A mixture of paramedic power, Narcan, and the will of a Higher Power kept him on this planet. But I knew in my bones he could’ve died. As I processed that overdose, it just felt a little different. Strange thing – when my dad and I later talked about this particular overdose, he spoke about the deep disappointment he had felt when he came to with the paramedics and realized he wasn’t dead. Maybe I was picking up on my dad’s death wishes?
However it happened, the incident got me thinking about what would’ve happened had my dad died that day. I realized that I would’ve had regrets. They wouldn’t have been about how I’d failed to “save” him. At that point, I had already made amends to my dad. I had already realized that everyone trying to clean up his messes was hurting him and not helping him. My regrets would’ve been about how I was handling my 50% of our relationship. Basically, I realized that I was doing a crappy job at “keeping my side of the street clean.”
“Keeping your side of the street clean” is a helpful metaphor I picked up in Al-Anon meetings which gives an analogy about how to keep your relationships healthy. And it goes a little something like this:
- You’re living in a neighborhood (you’re in relationship with other people) and you’re responsible for taking care of just your own house and your own yard (yourself and your behaviors).
- If everyone in the neighborhood is following this simple rule, then everyone is keeping their side of the street clean and that’s awesome!!! Neighborhood of the Year! Bust out the hot dogs and potato chips – it’s a Block Party! ?
- However, if some neighbors choose to… I don’t know…rip out their landscaping, bash in their mailboxes, and leave trash all over their lawns, that sucks…but you can’t run over there and fix it! Because that’s not your house and that’s not your yard! Now, if the neighbor decides he or she wants to change and actively asks for help, great! Then, grab a rake because you can help – but not before.
- An important reminder from the 12 Step Homeowners Association: no amount of shaming your neighbors, screaming at them, petitioning them, etc. is going to make them change anything unless they want to change it. In fact, you’ll probably just make them mad and end up with toilet paper in your trees and dog poo in the mailbox. Yikes!
- Also, letting the trash pile up on your own lawn (being resentful, nasty, bitter, playing the victim, etc.) is a bad move. And here’s why: it only makes you suffer. Please don’t live in your own garbage heap – it’s not helping the neighbors and it’s certainly not helping you.
So after my Dad’s overdose, I made a plan. I didn’t feel physically or emotionally safe visiting my dad at his place so that was off the table. This is what I decided to do to keep my side of the street clean:
- I would call my Dad once or twice a month to say “hello” and ask how he was doing.
- I’d leave a voicemail if he didn’t answer.
- If it had been a couple of months since I’d been able to reach him on the phone, I would send a card in the mail to let him know I was thinking of him.
- And I’d try to call again in another few weeks.
I just kept repeating this plan. And you know what? It really worked for me. I was keeping my side of the street clean, expressing my love for my dad, and also respecting myself and keeping myself safe. How freakin’ cool is that? Following this plan took a huge weight off of my heart. It gave me action steps. More importantly, it gave me a place to put the love I had for my dad. I’ll always remember this time and this plan as a win for me against alcoholism and addiction. [Another win against alcoholism and addiction was when I finished writing your free e-book!]
If I’m being really honest, I thought this plan of mine would be the extent of my relationship with my dad until he overdosed again or died in some other way related to his addictions.
And then things started to change. You know, the way things do just when you feel like you have something figured out…
It’s a really long story that involves communication, rehabilitation, and a lot of pain.
Promise I’ll tell you more another time!
Remember, friend – you’re only responsible for keeping your side of the street clean – no matter what the neighbors do on their side of the street. Got it? And, if you know what it’s like to let your own house and lawn fall apart because you’re so obsessed about making the neighbors fix THEIR stuff, tell me about it in the comments below, and please share this post with anyone else who can also relate.
Thanks for being here! ❤️