As an Adult Child of Alcoholics, you’ve probably loved or cared about your fair share of alcoholics and addicts. And, if you’ve loved an alcoholic or addict, you know the desperate desire to help and rescue. You see the person you love struggling and slipping away and you just want to save him (or her)! You’d happily give your left kidney, the marrow in your bones, the air in your lungs, your right hand – whatever it takes – if that would make your alcoholic better.
And it’s likely you’ve already given a lot to the alcoholic! Things like your time, attention, money, energy, headspace, thoughts and prayers, and more. How about chance after chance? Have you given the alcoholic those as well? I know I did…
And yet, after all of that help and giving, nothing has really changed. The alcoholic is still struggling.
It’s a hard truth to swallow but here it is: bending over backwards to help the alcoholic you love often just prolongs the disease – and can even make the situation worse! I’ve heard so many people say they’d “do anything” for the alcoholic or addict they love. But they refuse to do the one thing that could possibly save their loved one’s life! And do you know what that one thing is?
It’s giving the alcoholic or addict a shot to win or fail on their own terms. In other words, it’s giving your struggling loved one their dignity and right to make their own choices.
When people suffer from addictions, you might want to treat them like they’re fragile – like they’re completely incapable. It’s easy to see them as malfunctioning robots who needs to be reprogrammed and you’re just the person to do it. But the people you love arent’ robotic – they’re human! And stripping them of their dignity isn’t going to do anything but make both of you feel worse in the long run.
Alcoholics and addicts need to be given a shot to make their own decisions and to fully experience the consequences of those decisions without you orchestrating everything. They need someone to see them as individuals who have what it takes to decide for themselves. Alcoholics and addicts don’t need a referee blowing the whistle in their face, always telling them they’re wrong, and kicking them out of their own game! What they need is a cheerleader on the sidelines saying “I believe in your ability to make the play and win!”
Most alcoholics and addicts have already been beaten down by life and circumstances. They certainly don’t need to be treated like infants or idiots on top of it all. That’s exactly what happened to my mother, by the way. I guess the people in her life thought they could shame and punish her enough that she would finally seek treatment. I did the same thing! But that’s definitely not how it works. What alcoholics and addicts really need is someone to say: “Yeah, I see you in this shitty situation. I see you down there at rock bottom. But you know what? I see strength in you and I know you can figure this out.”
And then they need to be allowed to do exactly that…and it’s hard!
It means letting your loved one make a bad choice and not rescuing him or her from the consequences. It means letting him or her miss a family get-together and not chasing them down to attend. It means saying “no” when it’s necessary and believing in your ability – and theirs – to follow through. To be clear, I’m you can’t ever be helpful when supporting the recovery process if you are specifically asked for your help. All I’m saying is that addicts don’t need to be rescued in this dramatic, do-it-all for them scenario. They need to come to the point where they realize that, with the help of a Higher Power, they have it in themselves to do better.
There aren’t ever any guarantees when dealing with addictions. It’s not a given that if you do this, the person you love will seek recovery. I’m not saying “give them their dignity and they’ll surely beat this thing.” Because that’s not how it works. What I am saying is this: Giving your loved one a shot is probably one of the hardest things you will ever do. But it also might be the absolute best thing you can do for him or her.
Have you gien your loved one a shot? Are you thinking about it? Let me know in the comments. And thank you for being here. I love you! ❤️